William M West Certified Public Accountant

Q: What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
A: Someone who has a loophole named after him.

Q: What is the definition of an accountant?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Accountants have the best figures and
do it without losing their balance.

An accountant was having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem! I make a mistake and spend 3 hours trying to find it."

Snatch of conversation heard by a pedestrian walking behind two accountants:
"... and, ninthly, ..."

The usual follow up to "Accountants are the ones who come in after the battle and bayonet the wounded" is:
Lawyers are the ones who follow the accountants and strip the bodies.

"Why did the accountant cross the road?"
Here are the top 10 responses.

To open a consulting practice.
What else does an accountant do for fun?
To count the chickens.
Because the lawyers were on the first side.
It was April 15th and the bar was on the other side.
So he could charge the client for travel expenses.
The client told him to.
Because that's what was done in the prior year.
To bore the people on the other side.
Because he just broke GAAS on the first side.

What's the definition of a consulting accountant?
It' a guy (or girl) who will tell you 30 ways to make love but doesn't know any girls (boys).

HERE ARE THE TOP 10 REASONS TO BECOME AN ACCOUNTANT:

10. Audits Happen

9. You're too sincere to succeed in Marketing

8. You can take your "Stupid Accounting Tricks" with you when you change jobs

7. Pocket protectors are bound to come back in style

6. You get to see your old friends every six months at the CPA exam

5. Business Administration Majors go to work for their parents

4. Norm Peterson makes a great roll model

3. You can color your conversations with exciting phrases like "alternative minimum tax" and "substantive tests of details"

2. You have great pick-up lines for parties: "Hey baby, can I vouch your assets?"

1. You don't have to go to law school to get a job !!!!!!

Q: Why are they putting the accountants at the bottom of the ocean?
A: They found out that deep down they're really not so bad.

A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. The Martian goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilization, pillage and burn. What do you think of that?"

The owner replies " I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant"

Accountant's Knowledge

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Accountant's Value

If - as per the previous joke - an accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing, then surely an accountant is someone who costs everything and is worth nothing!

A doctor, a Minister, a Lawyer, and an Accountant are friends. The lawyer finds out he is dying of cancer and gives each of his friends an envelope full of money. He tells them he can't stand the thought of being without it so at his funeral would they each place the money in the coffin. They all agree. At the funeral they wait until everyone else has viewed the body and each goes up one at a time. The Doctor places the thick envelope in the coffin, then the minister places his thick envelope in the coffin. Finally the accountant places his small envelope in the coffin. After the funeral the Doctor and Minister ask the accountant what happened, for he had agreed to put the money in the coffin. The accountant said, " But my lawyer has always taken a personal check!"

CAPITAL PUNISHMENT: The income tax!

Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Fight ORGANIZED crime...Jail the I.R.S.

"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

An accountant was attending a tax seminar in Las Vegas. The lawyer sitting next to him was obviously bored with the presenter, and suggested the two of them slip out to the lobby for a cigar. The accountant replied, "well, thank you for the invite, but I tried smoking cigars once, and I didn't like them... I'll have to pass".

A few minutes passed, and the lawyer asked, "this is a very tiresome presentation... how about we slip down to the bar and have a cocktail?" to which the accountant replied, "Oh, I tried drinking once, but I didn't like it very much."

Finally, after about a half hour, the lawyer says, "listen, tonight after the seminar a couple of us are heading to the tables to do some gambling. Would you care to join us?" The accountant replied, "you know, I tried gambling once, but it just didn't appeal to me... but I'll tell you what. My son is flying in tonight, and he might want to tag along with you." To which the lawyer said, "your son? let me guess...an only child?"

Q. What do accountants do when they are constipated?
A. They use a No.2 pencil.

A lawyer, a doctor and an accountant are all applying to join the FBI. The have passed all tests but the final one. All three are in a waiting room ready for their final test. First, the lawyer is given a gun and told to go into the room and execute the spy sitting in the chair. The lawyer goes into the room, sees the person sitting in the chair blindfolded. He lifts the blindfold and sees its his wife. He leaves the room saying he could not shoot her. The lawyer is told he failed the test and can not become an FBI agent. Next the doctor is given a gun and is told to execute the spy. The doctor goes into the room, sees the person sitting in the chair blindfolded. He lifts the blindfold and sees its his wife. He leaves the room saying he could not shoot her. The doctor is told he failed the test and can not become an FBI agent. Finally the accountant is given a gun and is told to execute the spy. The accountant goes into the room and the agents outside the room hear a gun shot. After this they hear a lot a rustling and banging. Finally the accountant comes out and says, "someone put blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to death."

More Jokes

William M West Certified Public Accountant
1905 Park Avenue, Suite 100
San Jose, CA 95126
408.554.0400
Email: taxconsultant